Look at my lovely hair! - Part 2

Did you know...

Did you know...that it is considered politically incorrect and even grossly offensive to say "merry christmas" here in good old apple-pie snowman christmas tree America? Many retail and commercial outlets shy away from that potentially explosive greeting, opting instead for a more neutral "happy holidays". A friend of mine was instructed in no uncertain terms to desist greeting her customers with a cheery "merry christmas".

The tide erodes further against any expression of Christian values in public, decrying such expressions as "unconstitutional" and "intolerant". Removing the "Christ" from Christmas wasn't enough (changing it to Xmas); now they're removing the "Christmas" from Christmas.

*sighs*

The journey - continued.

"I'll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required. You search much deeper within through the way things appear; you're looking into my heart." (Matt Redman – “The Heart of Worship”)

I feel at the moment very naked. I have been stripped, to the core of my being, stripped by the testings that I have gone through this past semester, testings that have left me not unscathed. It is quite disheartening to be faced with a very real "me" that is thoroughly in opposition to my fanciful preconceptions, shaped in part by my own ignorant pride, and the way in which that pride inflated sincere compliments and praise to create a brazen statue of my "character".

I have found myself.

With the inhibitions and God-given boundaries of my parents thrown off (as a function of distance), and with the full responsibility for quite nearly every daily decision placed squarely in its stead...I have reeled with the weight of that responsibility, and buckled not a few times.
No more do I hear loving voices urging me to sleep, to wake up, to study instead of "socialize", to eat this or that or the other...or not. The responsibility is mine. And has been mine for the last 4 months, and counting...
The temperature of that test of responsibility alone is high enough to melt silver. It has been said that men are like sponges; you have to squeeze them to find out what's inside them. That squeezing revealed a young man sorely lacking in self-discipline, woefully inadequate at keeping schedules, reining in his eating habits, keeping tabs on his sleep cycle...exhibiting himself as a spectacular failure, more so with each succeeding instance, though interspersed with rare flashes of resolve and remedy...
Thus, I have found myself - exposed in my dire need for self-control. I need to plug into the Source of discipline. My spirit yearns for that self-control, but my body cannot find the means to attain it.

"Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?"
(Jehovah, speaking to Joshua after the spectacular defeat of Israel at Ai)

By the grace of God, the riches of strength and resolve and supernatural empowering to do good that lie with the spoil of the Messiah's great Victory over Sin and Death, I SHALL stand up!

My faith. Serious challenges, I considered them in the fighting. Now, in retrospect, those challenges have shrunk considerably, in light of my continual daily decision to believe, to cling to Him who sits on the throne, and unto the Lamb, and to His Spirit. Oppositions to His sovereignty, character, veracity, all raised in passionate declarations of the triumph of humanity over the shackles of "tradition" and "religion" and primitive notions of God...all fall at the feet of the Risen Savior.

"We men (humans) fancifully consider our intellects to be the equal of God. We dismiss what our feeble minds are unable to grasp as "irrational", "illogical", "myth", "fantasy...
The audacity!
"Shall the clay say to the Potter, what are you doing?"
The Enemy deceives us and attempts to coerce us into his rebellion against the sovereign Lord. Our sin nature is attracted to this, to the lure of power, wisdom...true life? Deception...it biteth at the last.
I stand FIRM. My heart is steadfast O God; my heart is steadfast. I stand upon your Word, trust you, and raise up the shield of faith against the lies of the Enemy. In God I put my trust; I shall not be moved. He is my Rock and Refuge; I shall not be moved." (Revelation that came to the Writer while desperately crying out to his God)

I have come to realize that the doubts that have been raised, the challenges...they all exposed the inadequacy of the response: "so I was taught". The violent winds of humanism and its lies exposed the shallowness of my roots - rooted not so much in the solid bedrock soil of the Word, but in the teachings of men. I care not to discount the great value of those teachings, but I have come to realize that the best defense against the lies of the Enemy is not "so I was taught" but a bold "it is WRITTEN". Search the Scriptures. A time of fortification and rooting in the Word is called for now, in preparation for future battles that lie ahead on this long journey…
Furthermore, I have come to realize that doubts may have a very positive effect on faith, oxymoronic though it may sound. For if no doubts are present, what then is faith? ‘Tis not faith; ‘tis knowledge.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

The Word’s definition of faith presumes the existence of at least some measure of doubt: “...what we do not see”. I have learned that in those instances where I do not see, faith is most needed, and faith most exercised. May I continue to choose to believe in the face of doubt, and so exercise my faith, while searching and hoping for vindication for the Almighty against the accusations of His enemies, intellectual or otherwise.
Thus, I have found myself – shallow at the roots, in explanation of my shivering and violent struggling against the lies that I have encountered. I have not been rooted deeply and firmly enough in the Source to stalwartly weather the unrelenting attacks of the Enemy as I strive to grow and bear fruit for the Gardener. My goal, then, becomes this:

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." (Psalm 1:1-3)

The Journey

Last Sunday at FBC (the church I attend), We (my friends and I) were pleasantly surprised to be greeted by cheery old ladies dealing out free green wristbands. They even wrung the wristbands on us.
The bands, as most do, had a message inscribed on it: "Pressing on...the Journey continues!"

How apt.

The bands are part of a church-wide spiritual growth drive. I think the campaign is "Pressing On", and the tag-line is "Because We're not There Yet"; not too sure. Could be.
Anyways, all of us in the congregation were given blue-covered devotionals to read for 40 days, with a focus on the theme of "pressing on".

Spot on.

It's coming to 2 months now...5 days more, to be exact. The initial excitement of my moving here has begun to wear off. Permanence does not seem to be an inherent characteristic of novelty. As the dust and fireworks settle from the Move (remember the airport? The left-behind bag?), the long road ahead slowly comes into focus and begins to loom larger and larger...

Valleys, mountains, deserts, thorns...so narrow, the path. I realize there is no turning back now. The fact begins to sink in: my life has been changed, and my "old life" has slipped out of my hand forever. I have to keep moving forward, for there will be no real "going back" to Penang, to home, to "the good old days". It hurts to think that; but pain often accompanies truth, and then healing.

Pressing on...the Journey continues: because we're not there yet. I am so keenly aware of my own deficiences and character flaws and weaknesses now; the excitement of forming new habits is wearing thin, and it's getting harder to keep up the fervor of jumping out of bed at 6:42 am in the morning, and say no to those steaming slices of pizza...plus, the increasingly cold weather is not helping my resolve to "eat right". Ugh. Joel, have you heard of this wonderful thing called "exercise"? :p

One of the things that is wearing me down is the constant tide of humanistic thinking and philosophy that is perpetually breaking against the walls of mind. Is God real? Creation is not scientific! Look at the jealous, arbitrary God of the Old Testament! Humans will be able to attain eternal life without God through cloning. Let's take the Bible "symbolically"...

*shivers with rage*

It's a constant, daily battle to renew my mind, immerse myself in the Word and cling to God for the strength to "...[cast] down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 11:5) The fighting wears me down sometimes; somedays I just get so...in need of the cleansing flow of the Word.

"For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry. Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him." (Hebrews 10:36-38)

And encouragement from a kindred spirit, fellow soldier, who shared a beautiful song with me:

The mountains are steep
And the valleys low
Already I'm weary
But I have so far to go
Oh, and sorrow holds my hand
And suffering sings me songs
But when I close my eyes
I know to whom I belong
Who makes me strong

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I'll never turn back
'Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man
In pauper's clothes
A shepherd to lead us
Through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost
So many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son
Who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I'll never turn back
'Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I'll dance on silver moonlight
And I'll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I'll run into the arms
The arms that set me free

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I'll never turn back
'Cause He waits....
I'll never turn back
Don't you ever turn back
Because someday, someday we're gonna see
We will be free ...

The Journey lies long ahead...the Narrow is paved with tears shed for 2 thousand years, wrung from the saints sincere, martyred and mourned...but this is the road I choose, the path stained with the blood and sweat of Him who suffered on the cross to make me righteous before God...

Pressing on...the Journey continues; because we're not there yet!

We get some really WILD cloud formations here, I tell you...


"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world. " Ps. 19:1-4

look at my lovely hair! ;-)

shameless?

oii...people...it doesn't take that much to move some neurons and fingers and put some of your thoughts/opinions/etc. up here, does it? ;p maybe i'm asking too much...
seems like every time i explicitly request comments, they either trickle in, or just completely avoid the post... *shrugs and muses* wonder why...
big thanks to those of you who make this blog alive, though...you know who you are. ;-)

i shamelessly ask again for comments/thoughts/brickbats/etc. i really DO want to know what you guys think. PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?

tsk, tsk...shameless, joel...you have to resort to THIS? tsk, tsk...

uh...help me come up with a title! please?

Aight, let's open a forum, right here...make this blog a little livelier. ;-)

I have just formed, or rather reinforced, an opinion that humanistic philosophies and attacks on the Bible, parts of the Bible, and all things labeled "traditionalist", "fundamentalist", or "conservative" (which I am encountering right here in college...in the thick of battle, actually) stem from a desire to justify an ungodly lifestyle, to silence the cries of a pained and seared conscience.

"A man's morality dictates his philosophy".

Agree? Disagree? Don't have the foggiest what I'm on about? Want to clobber me on the head with a 10-ton mortar? Make some noise, people! ;p

er...

*hangs head in shame*

Yes, yes...it has been a very long time since I've blogged, and the reason for the silence is NOT a lack of happenings.
I could avoid personal responsibility and blame the Writer's Block Demons, or blame my "busy" schedule, or blame the visitors to my room, or blame...

huh.

No such luck. I hereby apologize for my disgusting laziness in maintaining this blog. The tone overhanging the last post was anything but positive, and my life at present little reflects the sombre, downbeat mood in that post.

*drum roll*

I have found my church!!

First Baptist. A place where my eyes were opened to the universality of God's family. A place where I wept at the beauty of the unity of the Lord's body at the Lord's table. A place where I experienced what it meant to worship the same God in a different place and with different people. A place I finally felt I could call my spiritual home...

The church is not unlike PCC, in terms of size, demographic, preaching style, and worship flavor. The congregation is a decent mix of young and old, with a large representation of the universities and schools in the vicinity (mine included). They are strong in the Word, authentic in their faith and exuberant in their passion. The preaching is expository, much like at PCC.
Most importantly, I experienced God's leading right there in the building.

How do you know when you've found the right church? You just know. Seriously. If anyone had said that to me when I asked that question, I would have to restrain my tingling fingers from slapping them in the face. Honestly. To my clouded and frustrated mind at that moment of uncertain searching, such an answer did not seem helpful. But it is. Beyond what I can comprehend.

You just know. When the Holy Spirit leads you, when the Shepherd speaks, you know. My sheep know My voice. The peace in your heart, the confirming counsel of your authorities...the witness of the Holy Spirit. You just know. I can't explain it. I wish I could! Perhaps with more mulling, I'll be able to. But not right now. I just can't explain it. There's our incomprehensible God for you. He works in ways we cannot see; he will make a way for you.

If someone were to ask me for counsel and encouragement in his/her "church-hunting" experience, I would give the same [lovely! ;)] answers that were given me from my friends and family, thank God for them. Trust God. And of course, know what it is you need, and what you are looking for. And...yeah. Trust God. ;)

It takes a while for me to gel into a community, so I don't expect to be completely comfortable with everyone and everything in the church so soon. But I am getting there quick. I love the unity in the church, the warmth, the passion, the solidness. It's real here, just like in PCC. God is here. And that's the most important. God is here, and His presence makes the church building more than a building; He makes the building an unspeakably beautiful venue of worship and loving community and healing and power.

Love Him.

Church-hunting

What do you look for in a church? That was the question I was asking myself today. I'm still searching for a church I can attach and belong to. I visited an AG church today (thought of mentioning the name, but figured it would be suicide in the public domain. ;p), but again, it didn't seem to "fit" me. *shrugs* I was forced to admit this morning that I actually had no "criteria" with which to "evaluate" (if I may use that word) whether or not the church is "what I am looking for". Just what am I looking for?

I didn't like what I saw last week either (at another church which I shall be careful not to name). The church, the pastors, the congregation, the youth, the worship....everything just didn't "feel right". The worship was very mechanical and dead. The preaching felt extremely "showy" and "put-on". Above all, I sensed a very cold spirit in the church. I decided to cross that church off my list.

Then, midway through last week, I got a call from the pastor of this AG church who was contacted by one of our church members and asked to get in touch with me. I jumped with delight when I heard it was an AG church, and they were, furthermore, willing to send a van to pick me up. I awaited the arrival of Sunday with eager anticipation.

I'm sad to say that my expectations were not realized. I had hoped for a fair-sized congregation with at least a few young people, and a style of praise and worship similar to PCC. I was disappointed. They sang hymns (very vociferously, though, I must add), and there wasn't a single young person in the 60-strong congregation as far as I could see, and the preaching and teaching were too "charismatic" for my liking...i.e. an overuse of "amens" and "hallelujahs", and, this is really odd, Scripture. Yes, an overuse of Scripture. They just kept quoting Scriptures, whole passages and chapters, with no contexts, no exposition (except for a brief "amen" or "hallelujah" or "somebody needs to PRAISE THE LORD-ah!")...I lost the preacher's train of thought after roughly 20 minutes. I tried very hard to deduce where he was going with all those Scriptures and hymn quotations and how they tied together, but I couldn't.

Sigh...

I was forced by my frustrations to examine myself and my motives and expectations. Just what am I looking for? Why didn't I like the churches that I have visited? What exactly am I looking for? What would make me stay?

I'm afraid to admit, I have yet to come up with much to answer those questions. Much of what I am expecting is based on "feeling" (I prayed a lot on this, for God to lead me to the right church). Some of the concrete things are a strong expository Bible-based environment, vibrant, contemporary praise and worship, strong male spiritual leaders, strong families, a genuinely warm congregation...but are these expectations fair? Would God just as well lead me, want me to join a church that fails to meet these expectations? Would He have a ministry in mind for me there?

But then again, what is the main purpose of me attaching myself to a church? The first thing that comes to mind is fellowship. The fellowship of the saints. I need fellowship: good, solidly Christian brothers and sisters who can encourage me and keep me accountable and build me up in the faith...true believers whom I can serve God with. The second thing that comes to mind is covering. I need accountability to authority, and I need a place to serve, a church to belong to.

Sigh...

It's just all very new and alien to me, this "church-hunting" business. I'd appreciate all the comments and advice I can get...

How will I know if I've found the "right" church?