I'm lost without You
It's been a long, long, long, long, long while since this blog has breathed. Seriously. There's no greater predator to a writer's inspiration than a lack of solitude. The past 2 months have been insane. I'm not used to living like this; or am I?
I've been living from day to day, week to week - surviving's the word, not living. Just existing. Going from one activity to another, busying myself like a harangued hatter. Urgh. My life has been like this ever since my first day of college - at IPG.
You see, I'm not used to having my schedule fixed by alien persons - alien persons meaning persons outside of my family, e.g. school. Or college, in this instance. Classes were fixed for me, and at hours that I did not entirely agree with. Hours like 8:30 in the morning, which meant that I had to drag myself out of bed before the sun rose if I wanted to do anything more than splash my face, throw some clothes on and stumble out of the house. I didn't complain much, but my body did. Lots. No sir, it didn't like not having food in the morning, and I'm not sure it was exactly fond of the meager portions I managed to purchase at the IPG canteen.
That was over 2 months ago. 2 months! Hmm...
2 months on, and here I am at INTI college, where I will spend the rest of this month and the next two, before I fly off to Clarksville, Arkansas. University of the Ozarks. The name ring a bell? Yeah, I thought as much - haven't the foggiest where that is, huh?
My life has been a whirlwind of change this year. Funny how I'm saying this when there are still 6 months to come before this year ends. The past 6 months have been packed - seriously packed. I've done things I've never done before (worked, wrote and directed and acted in a video clip, sang my lungs out at a Switchfoot concert, drove ALL BY MYSELF, played for a "secular" gig, etc.), learned priceless life lessons from my Savior (He DOES lead us - in HIS time, not ours. HIS time.)....Uh. Hmm. Many, many things have happened. Too many to mention here.
It feels like 2 years of my life have been jammed into 6 months.
2 years of action, 2 years of growth, 2 years of change. Just ask my friends. I've changed so much since last year. So, so much. For good or for ill, I've changed. Irrevocably.
Still, with all that action in the past 6 months, it all feels like a blur to me now. If I could describe how low my energy level is these days, I would. I really would. But I can't. Some wordsmith I am. I just can't. Oh, wait! Let me try. I think my "energy tank" has holes in it. All my gas is leaking out because I don't take the time off to "plug up" those holes.
Okay. Maybe that wasn't such a good description of how I feel now. I just feel drained and tired and wobbly-kneed. Feel like I'm losing my focus sometimes. I even ask myself questions like, "What am I doing here in church?", "Do I really need to be here?", "What's the point?", Why do things have to be so difficult?". I've had to catch myself a few times just drifting along, playing the "church game" (yes, we pastor's kids are naturals at the church game), going with the flow. I don't know. I just miss the times when I've had hours alone with God, just me, Him, and a guitar. Ach.
It's not that He's not been working in my life. It's not that He's been far away. No, definitely not. He's been so near. So, so many things He's done in my life already, so many things He's said. He's become so real this year - broken out of the "mystical box" that I've unconsciously kept Him in all these years. He's broken out and He's starting to "infect" every part of my life. Hmm. "Infect" is not a very nice word. I don't think it aptly describes what He's been doing. Call it renovation? Remodeling? Modeling! Modeling after His Son! Yeah, that's what He's been doing. Just like a contractor walking around my life, pointing here and there, saying, this has to go, this stays, chip this piece off, do some sandpapering here, cut those trees down...yeah, it's been unpleasant many times. Painful even. But I like what I've been seeing so far.
But still, even with all that going on...I just feel...what's the word for it? Lost? I don't know. All I know is I don't like what I'm feeling now. It may or may not be what God intends, but it's not what I like. Maybe He's teaching me discipline and perseverance, weaning me from the "milk" of relying on my feelings to guide my spiritual walk. I've been doing a lot of "doing" of the Word this year. Maybe.
But I think the real reason for my emptiness...yes! EMPTINESS is the word! Yes, the reason for my emptiness is this: my soul aches for communion with God. That's what has been lost these 2 hectic months. In the hustle and bustle of college life, somehow I've been missing out more and more of my appointments with Him. Little compromises, seemingly insignificant procrastinations...they've led to this. I'll tell you, Satan is a wily fox, he is. I wouldn't say the stuff that has been distracting me from maintaining my relationship with God are bad per se. Fellow Christians, take note! Satan's especially adept at employing WMD - Weapons of Mass Distraction. He'll throw tons of activities (not necessarily bad) in your face, get the world to scream at you for time, money, attention, and energy. He'll even get the church to involve you till you're floundering in a sea of rosters and activities and ministries and keep whispering in your ear that you're spiritual just because of all the stuff you're doing for God.
Forget the stuff! I need to focus on the Stuff-er! We need to focus on the Stuff-er - Him! God, the One who made us, saved us - the One who bared his back before the Roman scourge for our sins, the One whose oversized heart longs for our fellowship. It's just so, so easy to take on Martha's mantle and busy ourself doing things for God and forget to just enjoy Him. It's difficult to follow Mary's quiet footsteps to the feet of our Lord, difficult to pry ourselves out from the rat race track to sit enthralled at our Lord's feet, just soaking in His goodness and love and mercy and greatness.
I've been slowly cutting back on my activities. I need to stop and refocus. That's what I need. The emptiness that I'm feeling, the disillusionment, the lack of fulfillment, the "I'm barely existing" feeling in me, is really my spirit groaning for the courts of the Living God, aching for the arms of the Master. Hmm. Yeah, perhaps it would be a good idea to stop writing now and do just that. So, if you'll excuse me....
I've been living from day to day, week to week - surviving's the word, not living. Just existing. Going from one activity to another, busying myself like a harangued hatter. Urgh. My life has been like this ever since my first day of college - at IPG.
You see, I'm not used to having my schedule fixed by alien persons - alien persons meaning persons outside of my family, e.g. school. Or college, in this instance. Classes were fixed for me, and at hours that I did not entirely agree with. Hours like 8:30 in the morning, which meant that I had to drag myself out of bed before the sun rose if I wanted to do anything more than splash my face, throw some clothes on and stumble out of the house. I didn't complain much, but my body did. Lots. No sir, it didn't like not having food in the morning, and I'm not sure it was exactly fond of the meager portions I managed to purchase at the IPG canteen.
That was over 2 months ago. 2 months! Hmm...
2 months on, and here I am at INTI college, where I will spend the rest of this month and the next two, before I fly off to Clarksville, Arkansas. University of the Ozarks. The name ring a bell? Yeah, I thought as much - haven't the foggiest where that is, huh?
My life has been a whirlwind of change this year. Funny how I'm saying this when there are still 6 months to come before this year ends. The past 6 months have been packed - seriously packed. I've done things I've never done before (worked, wrote and directed and acted in a video clip, sang my lungs out at a Switchfoot concert, drove ALL BY MYSELF, played for a "secular" gig, etc.), learned priceless life lessons from my Savior (He DOES lead us - in HIS time, not ours. HIS time.)....Uh. Hmm. Many, many things have happened. Too many to mention here.
It feels like 2 years of my life have been jammed into 6 months.
2 years of action, 2 years of growth, 2 years of change. Just ask my friends. I've changed so much since last year. So, so much. For good or for ill, I've changed. Irrevocably.
Still, with all that action in the past 6 months, it all feels like a blur to me now. If I could describe how low my energy level is these days, I would. I really would. But I can't. Some wordsmith I am. I just can't. Oh, wait! Let me try. I think my "energy tank" has holes in it. All my gas is leaking out because I don't take the time off to "plug up" those holes.
Okay. Maybe that wasn't such a good description of how I feel now. I just feel drained and tired and wobbly-kneed. Feel like I'm losing my focus sometimes. I even ask myself questions like, "What am I doing here in church?", "Do I really need to be here?", "What's the point?", Why do things have to be so difficult?". I've had to catch myself a few times just drifting along, playing the "church game" (yes, we pastor's kids are naturals at the church game), going with the flow. I don't know. I just miss the times when I've had hours alone with God, just me, Him, and a guitar. Ach.
It's not that He's not been working in my life. It's not that He's been far away. No, definitely not. He's been so near. So, so many things He's done in my life already, so many things He's said. He's become so real this year - broken out of the "mystical box" that I've unconsciously kept Him in all these years. He's broken out and He's starting to "infect" every part of my life. Hmm. "Infect" is not a very nice word. I don't think it aptly describes what He's been doing. Call it renovation? Remodeling? Modeling! Modeling after His Son! Yeah, that's what He's been doing. Just like a contractor walking around my life, pointing here and there, saying, this has to go, this stays, chip this piece off, do some sandpapering here, cut those trees down...yeah, it's been unpleasant many times. Painful even. But I like what I've been seeing so far.
But still, even with all that going on...I just feel...what's the word for it? Lost? I don't know. All I know is I don't like what I'm feeling now. It may or may not be what God intends, but it's not what I like. Maybe He's teaching me discipline and perseverance, weaning me from the "milk" of relying on my feelings to guide my spiritual walk. I've been doing a lot of "doing" of the Word this year. Maybe.
But I think the real reason for my emptiness...yes! EMPTINESS is the word! Yes, the reason for my emptiness is this: my soul aches for communion with God. That's what has been lost these 2 hectic months. In the hustle and bustle of college life, somehow I've been missing out more and more of my appointments with Him. Little compromises, seemingly insignificant procrastinations...they've led to this. I'll tell you, Satan is a wily fox, he is. I wouldn't say the stuff that has been distracting me from maintaining my relationship with God are bad per se. Fellow Christians, take note! Satan's especially adept at employing WMD - Weapons of Mass Distraction. He'll throw tons of activities (not necessarily bad) in your face, get the world to scream at you for time, money, attention, and energy. He'll even get the church to involve you till you're floundering in a sea of rosters and activities and ministries and keep whispering in your ear that you're spiritual just because of all the stuff you're doing for God.
Forget the stuff! I need to focus on the Stuff-er! We need to focus on the Stuff-er - Him! God, the One who made us, saved us - the One who bared his back before the Roman scourge for our sins, the One whose oversized heart longs for our fellowship. It's just so, so easy to take on Martha's mantle and busy ourself doing things for God and forget to just enjoy Him. It's difficult to follow Mary's quiet footsteps to the feet of our Lord, difficult to pry ourselves out from the rat race track to sit enthralled at our Lord's feet, just soaking in His goodness and love and mercy and greatness.
I've been slowly cutting back on my activities. I need to stop and refocus. That's what I need. The emptiness that I'm feeling, the disillusionment, the lack of fulfillment, the "I'm barely existing" feeling in me, is really my spirit groaning for the courts of the Living God, aching for the arms of the Master. Hmm. Yeah, perhaps it would be a good idea to stop writing now and do just that. So, if you'll excuse me....
posted by Joel Chan at
6:56 AM
|
1 comments
